You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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