i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
