I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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