I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
