We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
