That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
