she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
