wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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