Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
