Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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