when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
