ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
