Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
