You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm getting married
To pizza
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It was a blind-side dick pic.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
