I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Randomize
