cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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