Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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