and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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