Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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