My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
