i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
