She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
