You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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