My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
