You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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