The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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