I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
