if you like me you must not know who I am
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
