In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
