K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize