I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
