Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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