Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
