im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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