How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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