I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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