i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
