i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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