I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
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