My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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