hotel room ftw
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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