Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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