If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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