It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
