I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
