dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
