If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
