I think my vagina is haunted
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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