I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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