She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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