the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize