Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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