oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
