You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
