you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
