I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
