I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
