I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Randomize
