Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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