i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
