why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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