Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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